Making a Ice Dildo

So it's one of those stinking-ass-hot summer days; the kind where the Sun is
literally cooking every surface it can reach and your body's pathetic attempts
to cool itself include sweating so profusely there is a miasmic cloud of
perspiration following you around. Of course, this is one of those times where
your suffering is not to be borne alone, because your significant other happens
to be over, perhaps visiting from some other, less hellish climate, perhaps
merely deigning to grace with his or her presence while away from the air
conditioned nirvana where they spend the balance of their time.

What to do? Showering in cold water helps for a time, true, but reintroducing your
cooled and calm naked form to the sauna that your house has become is a
punishment unfit for criminals. Swimming shares similar benefits and problems,
and includes the necessity of driving to the pool unless you've got a pool on
site.

Presuming that you and your significant other are intimate with one
another and that he/she is up for the challenge, I present a solution below.
Please note that I am not a doctor, nor licensed sex worker, therapist, or
counselor. I occasionally have clever ideas and like to share them. No lawsuits
please. Thank you.

Make an ice dildo! If you and your lover like using
ice, you can create your own sex toys made of ice just by using unlubricated
condoms, water, and some ingenuity.

Start with the cardboard tube from a
roll of paper towels. With a pair of scissors, cut the tube lengthwise. Roll the
tube to the diameter you'd like the finished dildo to be, and wrap tape around
it to hold it at that size. Take a condom and put it into the top of the
cardboard tube, and then overlap the top half inch or so of the condom around
the edge of the tube as shown:



You can use a lubricated or unlubricated condom. If you use a lubricated condom, avoid spermicidally lubricated ones, because the spermicidal lubricant can get funky when it freezes.

Carefully fill the condom to the top with water. Stand the tube upright in the freezer, and wait a few hours.

You can probably find all kinds of things to do to entertain
yourself while you're waiting.

In a few hours, the water will freeze.
Remove the tube from the freezer. Carefully lift the top edge of the condom from
around the tube and tie it in a knot to keep the water from leaking out as the
ice melts. Then cut the tape holding the tube closed and remove the ice
dildo.

When you're finished, the ice dildo should look like the one shown
below.



If you like, you can take extra steps to make a fancier
dildo by doing things to the cardboard tube before you place the condom in it.
For example, if you take thick cord and wrap it in a spiral on the inside of the
tube, the finished ice dildo will have a spiral ridge in it. If you take a small
sheet of bubble wrap cut to the same width as the inside circumference of the
tube and slide it into the tube before you put the condom in it, the finished
ice dildo will have a dimpled, textured surface.

Putting your toy inside your playmate

Obviously, you can ram your toy into your
playmate with reckless abandon and be assured of a reaction. However, most
people are happier with a slow, lingering advance than an aggressive
penetration by the coldest thing in the house, especially in a couple of
particular places. That being said, try these places and follow the ice with
your lips and tongue and fingers to keep everyone happy:

• Back of the neck
  
• Underside of the breast
  
• Nipples
  
• Inner thighs
  
• Labia
  
• Clitoris
  
• Scrotum
  
• Base of the penis
  
• Glans
  
• Top of the buttocks
  
• Underside of the buttocks
  
• Anus
  
• Lips
  
• Hairline
  
• There are only so many orifices on the human body, and the two which are
  probably springing to your overheated imagination are the vagina and the anus.
  These are always exciting, and can be very pleasurable. If your toy is
  getting melty and drippy, you can try insertion into these places, but have
  lube handy and apply liberally if they're any resistance whatsoever. Cold +
  friction = pain. Pain ? fun.
  
• Consider also the mouth, which can be even more delightful when your
  playmate is blindfolded. Trace the lips slowly, kiss softly to warm,
  then tease again with the ice. Slip the toy gently into their mouth,
  alternate with your tongue. Suck on the ice for a moment, then slide your
  tongue between their lips, keeping your tongue rigid. Slowly move your
  tongue more and more as warmth returns and introduce your tongue and the toy
  at the same time. Don't try to get your playmate to deep-throat the toy
  unless they're really into that. The cold will numb sensation and can mask
  bruising of delicate internal tissues.
  
• Obviously, don't move a toy that's been in the anus to the vagina or the mouth. Butts, generally, are not the cleanest things in the universe.
  
• Remember, you can use a fresh glove, cot or condom with lube on your toy and change it for every orifice to keep things clean and safe.
  

Some considerations

• Remember, always run the ice dildo under cool water before you use it. This
  removes any frost from its surface and starts the outer edge of the ice melting.
  You don't want to use ice internally untill it has started to melt and has a
  thin layer of water on its surface, or the ice may freeze to your skin.
  
• These finished products are not approved by the FDA. They lack any
  handholds, retrieval strings, safety catches, warranties, or security
  features. Be careful not to lose them in the excitement of your creative
  success. Of course, they will melt eventually, but unless you've removed the
  outer, latex mold...you did remove the mold, right? Go back and remove the
  mold, you silly lust-monkey...any melting will be contained within the
  tightly-tied latex mold. Result: a water-filled container stuck somewhere
  embarrassing. So be careful. Please.
  
• Do not keep any ice-based toy inside any living thing for more than a few
  seconds at a time. Then stop for a moment and tease them with the toy or a
  contrasting sensation (think about alternating your hot mouth or sweaty,
  excited hands with this refreshingly cold toy at regular intervals). The
  idea is to cool off your lover, not to numb them or induce frostbite.
  Imagine how upset you and your lover will be if they require amputation of
  their sex organs because you were a little too enthusiastic. If you or your
  lover lose the ability to feel what's going at any time, STOP. If the
  sensation moves from a pleasant cool tingle to a deep, hot burn, STOP. If
  you can't feel the tips of your fingers while manipulating the toy, STOP.
  Use your head and not your crotch to determine safe practices.
  
• Do not reuse frozen toys. It's just kinda grody.
  
• Want your ice cubes or ice dildos to look better? If you boil water and then
  let it cool before freezing it, the ice will be transparent rather than
  cloudy.
  Cloudiness in ice cubes is the result of dissolved air in the water, which is displaced and forms thousands of tiny bubbles when the water freezes. Boiling the water drives out the dissolved air, which produces ice that is transparent when it freezes.